Self-Care: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First

by Krishna Chodipilli | Dec 7, 2020 | Agile Coaching

About Self-care

Self-care is the activity you consciously take to look after your mental, emotional, and physical health. It may sound like a very simple concept, yet most of us often find it is something we have ignored.

Self-care is not about being selfish and only considering our own needs. It is about looking after ourselves and subsequently being able to take care of our loved ones. Good self-care is key to live a balanced life. It is important to not only ourselves but also to our loved ones and our relationships with them. Imagine yourself being constantly exhausted, anxious, frustrated, how do your spouse and children would feel around you, leaving alone supporting them in the time of need?

This is probably why the flight attendants instruct us to ‘put your oxygen mask on first before helping anyone sits with you’. We need to take care of ourselves first in a unique situation like what we are experiencing right now.

How Do We Make A Start

So we know self-care is important, but ‘how’ do we make a start? Often I heard people asking the question of how to fit self-care into their busy schedule. This is particularly the case for women, as in addition to their professional life, they also play the roles of wives and mums. What can they do and how do they find the time to do anything for themselves?

I have three simple pieces of advice to kick things off:

• Understand what works for you

We are all different individuals with unique characteristics. Self-care may mean distinctive things to each person, the form of self-care that works for others may not be what you need, and vice versa. That is perfectly fine. Just like you have a set of keys in hand, and if you don’t know which key it is for a particular lock, simply try them one by one till you find the right one that works.

• Plan it out

Self-care is not something that just happens. It is a conscious choice you make, you need to plan and execute activities to deliver the desired positive outcome. Add the planned activities to your calendar and get reminders for them, tell your family and friends about it so they can ‘supervise’ you to stick to the plan, and practice self-care where and when possible.

• Anchor the changes

Remember, we are often swimming against the tide, the busy schedules and competing priorities in daily life will always try to pull us back. If you practice self-care, always be aware of how it feels and the value-add for you, acknowledge the outcomes and how it helps, anchor the changes and keep on going forward.

Some Practical Advice

Practising self-care requires us to change behaviours in a certain way. If the change is perceived to be long-fetched, we might not be motivated to do anything at all. It is thought to be a good idea to start small with realistic and achievable changes.

As mentioned, self-care can mean different things to different people, I have listed below what worked for me in this unique time, and hopefully, it can provide you with some ideas:

• Realise the environment may be toxic and its impact on you, look after your well-being and emotions.
• Do something you enjoy to relax. Activities vary from people to people, such as cooking, watching movies, and practising meditation, whatever works for you!
• Say ‘no’ to the things you don’t want to do or shouldn’t be doing, such as checking your work phone during meals or speaking to people who make you feel bad.
• Look for opportunities to laugh and spread the laughter out! I regularly check out channels for funny pictures and videos and send them to my friends and family groups.
• Spend quality time with your loved ones (even virtually) and support each other mentally during this difficult time.
• Sleep for at least 7 – 8 hours helps you to revitalise and get ready for the next day.
• Healthy and nutritious diet (and supplement of multi-vitamins) is extremely important in the quarantine which strengthens your immune system.
• Regular exercise improves your physical condition, as well as mood and energy.

This list of self-care activities has helped me to go through some difficult times during the quarantine. It is non-exhaustive and may look completely different from yours. And I’d love to hear from you on what works for you.

If there is only one thing I’d like you to take away from reading this article, that would be to remember ‘put your oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else’. Self-care is not about being selfish, but to look after yourself which in turn affects your relationship and loved ones. It is important to remember that self-care is about YOU and what works for you. It takes time to practice and make sure you anchor the ‘new you’re in the process to make small but steady steps towards the best you can be.

Build Self Resilience

by Krishna Chodipilli | Dec 4, 2020 | Agile Coaching

What are we faced with? 

In these challenging times, concerns about COVID-19 is taking a great toll on all and especially those who are vulnerable. Everyone is affected by the global pandemic, and the uncertainty and unknown seem frustrating and overwhelming. With more and more offices, schools, cities and even countries shutting down, the sense of dread and panic is spreading.  

We as individuals may not be able to control the pandemic, but we can control ourselves and build inner resilience in response to the pandemic.  

What is Resilience? 

Resilience consists of an amalgamation of a set of skills, anchoring the inner strength to recover from major life calamity. Resilience is the ability to bounce back and keep going when life knocks you down. Resilient people have the mental strength to move through adversity by having a more positive outlook. They cope with stress effectively without losing their cool.  

Research indicates that resilience comes naturally for only a few of us, and the rest have to learn this important life skill and develop the actions to pick yourself up when things happen. 

Why Resilience is so important? 

Changes are inevitable in our lives. For instance, the pandemic is one of the biggest challenges mankind has ever encountered, and it has impacted on our health and changed the way we behave and interact. This disruptions to our daily life has brought on anxiety and negativity, which we are still grappling with to find a way out. 

In the unprecedented event, resilience is important to ensure we don’t get worn down by the challenges and disruptions we are facing. It helps us to we learn lessons and make meanings from them, survive and thrive the uncertainty by adapting well in the face of adversity. 

How to build personal resilience in our lives?  

Personal resilience can be built and strengthened over time and with practice. To start with, maybe think about incorporating the following practices into your daily life: 

• Belief in your Abilities: Self-esteem plays an important role in coping with changes. Start listing your major strengths and accomplishments, and replace your negative outlook with a positive one. For example, “I can certainly do this”, “I am a great mother/father”, or “I am very good at my job”). 
• Being more adaptable: An essential aspect of resilience is flexibility. Being adaptable you’ll respond smartly when faced with a life crisis. Resilient people utilize calamity as an opportunity to branch out in new directions and thrive.  
• Hope and positivity: Resilience gives you the strength to stay optimistic during the darkest period of your life. This does not mean ignoring the problem, it means understanding the temporary setbacks and having the strength to combat the challenges you face. 
• Nurturing self: Build your self-nurturance and make time for activities that you enjoy. Sleep peacefully and well. Take care of yourself first and then get ready to face life’s curveballs. 
• Be your own Sherlock: Try to come up with your solutions to the problems you face. This will help you to establish confidence to cope with any kind of problem that arises.  
• Indulge in a new hobby: You can protect yourself from feeling drowned from the constant barrage of depressive news. Do something enjoyable, such as read a book, play an instrument or write a daily journal.  
• Compassion with self: Often we forget to go easy on our limitations. Instead of giving ourselves credits on what we do well, we hang on to what we don’t do so well. Focus on our strengths and resilience, and we will be prepared to confront challenges head-on. 

Conclusion – Resilience is Key 

As the pandemic continues to impact our lives, build resilience within ourselves is key to hold our grounds with self-awareness, full-hearted acceptance, and equanimity. Resilience helps us to pick ourselves up as many times as we fall, helps us to adapt constantly and build the tenacity to never give up. It plays an important role to assist us to survive and thrive tough times, keep on learning and improving, supporting ourselves and helping other people in need.

The Drama Triangle Explained

by Krishna Chodipilli | Dec 4, 2020 | Agile Coaching

The Drama Triangle was first described by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. It is a model of dysfunctional social interactions and illustrates a power game that involves three roles: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor, each role represents a common and ineffective response to conflict.  

The journey around the triangle can be done with self or another, such as a spouse, child, co-worker, and so on. Most of us are neurologically programmed to play these three roles, and we consciously or unconsciously choose one role given the particular context. 

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The Three Roles Explained 

In the Drama Triangle, each player in the particular mind game begins by assuming one of the three typical roles: 

• Victim – “Poor me.”

Victims often feel victimised, trapped, helpless and hopeless. They think they are at the mercy of life. They are unwilling to take responsibility for their undesirable circumstances and don’t think they have the power to change their lives.  

Victims assume themselves as powerless or incompetent and blame on Persecutors (can be other people or a particular situation). They always seek for Rescuers to solve the problem for them. If the Victims continue to stay in the ‘dejected’ stance, it will prevent them from making decisions, solving problems, changing the current state, or sensing any satisfaction or achievement. 

• Rescuer – “Let me help you.” 

Rescuers constantly intervene on behalf of the Victims and try to save Victims from perceived harm. They feel guilty of standing by and ‘watching people drown’.  

Rescuers may have all the good intention and strive to ‘help’ other people as they see necessary. They fail to realise that by offering short-term fixes to Victims, they keep Victims dependent and neglect their own needs. This is why Rescuers often find themselves pressured, tired, and may not have time to finish their own tasks, as they are busy fire-fighting for the Victims as they arise! 

• Persecutor – “It’s all your fault.” 

Persecutors are like ‘Critical Parents’ who are strict and firm and set boundaries. They tend to think that they must win at any cost.  

Persecutors blame the Victims and criticize the behaviour of Rescuers, without providing appropriate guidance, assistance or a solution to the problem. They are critical and good at finding fault, and control with order and rigidity. They keep the Victims oppressed and sometimes can be a bully. 

Are you a Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor? 

Now you are aware of the Drama Triangle and the roles in the triangular setting. So are you a victim, a rescuer, or a persecutor?  

If you’re human, chances are you may see yourself or be seen by others, as all three in different scenarios. 

It is important to point out that the players in the Drama Triangle may switch roles during a mind game, and if anyone in this triangle changes roles, the other two roles change as well. 

Example 

Below is a fictitious example which demonstrates the Drama Triangle in motion and the way players move from one role of the triangle to another.  

Mark: Alex, the Programme Status Report is due at noon today. Could you please send it over to me as soon as possible? (P) 

Alex: Doh! I haven’t done it yet, I wasn’t sure what is required, and I have been overwhelmed with the other priorities for my programme. (V) 

Mark: The request and report template were sent to you last week. If you were not sure about the requirement, why didn’t you ask? (P) 

Alex: I was overwhelmed and didn’t have the capacity. (V) 

Mark: It is already 10 am now, can you pull something up for your programme quickly? (P) 

Kate: Mark, what information do you need from our programme? (R) 

Mark: The standard – programme RAG status, programme highlights, key risks and issues, milestones and dependencies. (R) 

Kate: We produce quite a few programme reports for the portfolio already. Can’t you just tweak the information to get what you need? (P) 

Mark: Do you know how many programme updates I have to collate for the portfolio updates? (V) 

Alex: Honestly, I think the status report is an overkill! (P) 

Kate: Never mind, give me half an hour. I will update the status report and send it over. (R)  

And the conversation can go on indefinitely, so are the chances of the roles. 

Escape the Drama Triangle 

As per the example above, whilst the triangular role play may not be all bad, it can lead to friction and conflicts and detrimental for people involved.  In my next blog, I am going to discuss briefly how we can escape the Drama Triangle. 

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Escape the Drama Triangle

by Krishna Chodipilli | Dec 4, 2020 | Agile Coaching

In my last blog, I have briefly introduced the Drama Triangle and the three roles in it. If the triangular setting is healthy and serves all players’ interests, there might be no reason to change it. Temporary discomfort may help people to achieve better results sometimes. However, if the triangular relationship becomes detrimental for those involved, and result in long-term conflicts, low performance, and resentments, it is probably the time to escape the triangle. 

One way to identify the point to escape the Drama Triangle is by probing the imbalance between players’ intentions as well as in the relationship. The players should take some distance and potentially exit the triangular setting if they are dissatisfied with the situation. Constructive changes help all people to refocus on the matter and the positive sides of things. It does not matter which player initiate the change first. All the three players are so closely bound together, change in one will automatically provoke a change in the relationship dynamics and the others.  

So how can we escape the Drama Triangle constructively? Here are a few steps we can consider. 

Create Self-awareness 

The first step to escape the Drama Triangle is to understand what it entails, be aware of the role you are playing in a particular circumstance, and be watchful not to take one of the three roles.  

You can ask yourself a few powerful questions to improve your self-awareness. Questions such as: What role you are playing in the Drama Triangle? How long you have been playing that role? How is it serving you? Is this role where you’d like to be? If not, what can you do to change it? What are the actions you need to take to escape it? 

By becoming self-aware of your stance in the Drama Triangle, you will become mindful and avoid taking any role in it. You will not be the passive Victims who’d be dependent on others to provide solutions, or the Rescuers who’d jump in other people’s issues uninvited, or the Persecutors who’d criticize others without being helpful to tackle the underlying problem. 

Change and Get Help to Change 

The next step after creating awareness is to take action and implement desired changes. Note that making and sustaining change can be challenging, as you are moving out from your ‘comfort zone’.  

It’s suggested that people can form groups and obtain support from each other who are facing the same type of challenges. It’s helpful to be part of a bigger group, where you can relate to and build rapport and trust with the people. Be part of a group helps you to realize you’re not alone, and that you can offer and receive support, encouragement, and innovative ideas to and from others.  

An alternative is to get yourself a coach, who can help you to gain clarity on your goals, empower you to plan actions, implement and anchor the desired changes. This is also discussed later in the Empowerment Triangle. 

Use Non-Violent Communication (NVC) 

In my last blog article, I have used a fictitious conversation at the workplace to demonstrate the Drama Triangle in motion. One simple way to escape the Drama Triangle in motion is to use non-violent communication (NVC).  

The NVC allows people to communicate with honesty and empathy, instead of implying wrongness on each other. It enables people to share their observations harmoniously, offers a great opportunity for them to exchange feelings and establish deep connections, helps them to understand the needs and requests from other parties, and set the tone for a win-win solution. 

As a result, all parties are more compassionate and less defensive, conflicts are less likely to occur, and people are more likely to take responsibility and work collaboratively to achieve a common goal.  

Adopt the Empowerment Triangle 

Womeldorff created a new triangle in The Empowerment Dynamic (TED), in which he has pivoted the Drama Triangle into a set of relationships or roles that are more passionate and empowering, and can lead to a positive approach to life’s challenges. 

TED shifts the roles from the Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor to the Creator, Coach, and Challenger. It helps us to change mindsets, work towards the desired outcomes, and generate greater awareness and more options. 

In the Empowerment Triangle: 

• Victims change to Creators, who focus on outcomes, rather than problems. Creators get clarity over the outcomes they are trying to create in lives, and take responsibility for initiating actions to achieve those desired outcomes. 
• Rescuers take on the role of Coaches, who are compassionate and believe in Creators. They empower Creators by helping them develop goals and action plan through inquiry. Coaches encourage challenge and support individuals to create their own solutions, instead of solving the problem on their behalves.  

Persecutors adopt the role of Challengers, who challenge assumptions and status quo and focus on growth and development. They hold Creators accountable for taking actions and making progress, they lift people up instead of criticizing or blaming. 

It is important to realise that shifting from the Drama Triangle roles to the Empowerment Triangle roles require a huge amount of creativity, courage and effort, especially for someone who has assumed themselves in a particular role for long. TED promotes a mindset change, and an empowered and resourceful way of thinking, which see obstacles as challenges and increases our ability to improve options and desired outcomes. 

I hope you found this article helpful. Please share your thoughts in the comment section below. 

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